An unsettling discovery

My Seahawks have made it to the Superbowl and I couldn’t be happier, but only two teams make it to the Superbowl, leaving 30 NFL teams looking for something to blame their failed season on. Some teams fire the coach, some hope to sign a first round draft pick. But whatever the remedy, its obvious that there’s something wrong with the system.

Well, lately there’s been something wrong with my digestive system, and I’m looking for something… anything to blame it on. I think I may be lactose intolerant. I just get such bad gas and it HAS to be linked to SOMETHING. Last week I avoided any dairy all week. The closest I came to it was the one day I forgot and put margarine on my toast, but I didn’t really feel any adverse affects—is margarine even a dairy product?

This weekend I had a pizza party with friends. I popped a few lactaid pills just to be safe, but at about 4 am this morning it hit me. The eruptions came in droves and didn't let up until about an hour after I got in to work... and even though it has let up a little, I'm puckering one in at this very moment.

It hit at 4 am, but I didn’t get up (out of bed) until 6… and by that time the smell in my bed was so rancid and so heavy that I had to strip my bed covers off and drape them over furniture so they could air out. I sprayed air freshener all over the apartment and even onto the sheets hoping at if they absorbed some air freshener it might at best neutralize the rank.

And the stink is only half of it... my stomach has been jostling around like the washing machine on the permanent press cycle. I have a small bottle of both lactaid and gas-suppressant pills and I was popping dose after dose of them this morning. I'd swallow one kind of pill and if that didn't work I'd try the other, etc. I felt like a pool cleaner who keeps adding chlorine then water then clorine then water until he gets just the right pH balance in the pool.

I'm planning on eating the left over pizza for lunch today. It's probably a foolish thing to do, but I'm going to try taking three pills before my first bite (just as the bottle recommends) and see if that doesn't pacify my abdominal warfare.

Even if it doesn't, I feel like I need to experiement as much NOW as it takes to conquer this demon now, regardless of however much backfireing (pun intended) might result from each trial. After all, I'm only staying in Utah for another three weeks, so what’s the difference if everyone here hates me when I leave. Better to best this now and leave my enemies behind than to drag this problem home with me and cultivate a whole new crop of enemies there.