Poop breath

Some people in this world are the type who love everyone they meet and can only see the good in others. As commendable as that is, I don’t think it’s quite normal. Yet, equally as abnormal is my situation: I usally notice the bad in everyone I meet. It’s not like I look for the bad, I usually try to give people the benefit of the doubt that they’re just ordinary until something happens to make me either think more or less of the person. But neutrality can only last so long, and probability usually lies more in favor of spontaneous negative experiences. And even when your first impression of someone is positive, a powerfully negative experience with that person can often trump all preceding good experiences.

“Uhh! It smells like a skunk that came

out of the @ss of another skunk.”

There’s this guy that I work with who (personality wise) is one of my favorite co-workers, but I really don’t enjoy talking to him because he constantly has the world’s WORST poop breath. And by “poop breath” I mean that his breath literally smells like poop. It’s not onion breath, or garlic breath, or morning breath, or coffee breath, or smoking breath, or throw-up breath, or peanut butter breath… it truly smells like the man’s diet consists of nothing but fun-sized poop bars.

“Hey, everybody. I'm a stupid moron with an ugly face and a big butt
and my butt smells, and I like to kiss my own butt.”

What does bad breath say about a person? I know that were not supposed to judge others “by the color of their [breath], but by the content of their character,” but when something is so in your face, and so persistant and so potent, how can you expect your opinion of that person to NOT be effected? I mean, is this guy unaware of his horrendous breath? Is he not grossed out by his mouth’s flavor? Does his wife not notice it when she’s near him? If she does, then does she not care enough to help him with it? Or if he and his wife both ARE aware of it, are they so inconsiderate of others that they just don’t care if we have to smell it?

“It smells like puke from a mule been 'ruminating

on asparagus for two weeks.”

Well, I stumbled across an article today that opened my understanding to the true source of my friend’s problem: it’s because of the food he eats (and doesn’t eat):

Top Five Causes of Bad Breath
#4. Not enough carbs. You look great after four
weeks on Atkins, so how come you still can’t get a date? High-protein, low-carb
diets cause your body to burn stored fats for fuel instead of carbs and can lead
to a condition called ketosis. “As fat burns, ketones build up in the body, and
some are released through breath,”explains Moloo. “Unfortunately ketones don’t
smell particularly good.” And bad breath trumps six-pack abs.

Top
Five Cures
#4. Eat some carbs. Apparently the only way to help the ketosis
caused by low-carb diets is … to eat some carbs. Moloo recommends fruits,
vegetables and whole grains over frosted doughnuts.

Well, if you met my friend, you’d know at first sight that he isn’t working on an Atkin’s-diet six pack, but if you ever eat out with him you’d learn that the man does NOT eat fruits or vegetables. He’s like a kid about them. He says they completely gross him out. Even fruit flavored candy he doesn’t like. All he eats is meat and junk food. So THAT’s the man’s problem: he suffers from a self-inflicted case of ketosis.

“He’s got to follow his own path, no one can choose it for him.”

The sad thing is that I think it may be a terminal case, because I’ve argued with him the dangers and unexperienced joys that come from eating fruits and vegetables, but he won’t budge. Besides my banter, his doctor told him that his diet is causing cholesterol problems, and that he has EXTREMELY high blood pressure. So at age 30, my friend is on a lipator prescription, and has breath so terrifying that he’s scaring his friends away—and it’s all because he thinks fruits and vegetables are yucky.

“Eating greens is a special treat.

It makes long ears and great big feet.
(But it sure is awful stuff to eat).”

But, hopefully the rest of us can learn a valuable lesson from my friends fatal flaw. Even if you don’t like fruits or vegetables, please eat them… for our sake. If we all just commit to avoiding bad breath (especially poop breath), there would be less enmity in the world, sure the breath-mint market may suffer some losses, but I’m not sure they deserve to stay in business because my friend sprays Binaca like he’s dusting crops and it never does a bit of good for him.