Character

Well, my little league football team just lost for the second week in a row, to make matters worse the 4-3 defense I've been working on all week (it’s been like cramming for a test) didn't even work. They were running all over us so we switched to a 6-2. The switched worked, but it wasn't my idea. It's just so frustrating to be the defensive coordinator since I honestly don't know what I'm doing. I'm glad that other coaches can help, but it kind of pisses me off how soon they feel the need to abandon my plans.

I have to admit, I sort of gave up caring in the game... just because I wasn't calling anything anymore. We went to that 6-2 and just ran base for 3/4 of the game, which worked (they didn’t score again after the switch) but after that, there wasn't much for me to call. I don't care that the other coaches make calls like that, but I just wish they'd just decide to be the defensive coordinator.

"I swear to you, I didn't ask to be put on the counsel."

I really don't know what I'm doing as a coordinator, and I didn't even want to be one, but since there are only two of us four coaches that go to every practice, I was kind of thrown into it. So I try to come up with what we can work on during practice (because I'm the only defensive coach that shows up), then in the game the other coaches (who have sons on the team and have been playing against these other teams for like 7 years) start calling the shots.

So, like I said, I don't mind them calling the shots (especially because they really do know these opponents well), I just wish they'd tell me that kind of stuff earlier than five minutes into the game so 1.) we could practice it during the week, and 2.) I wouldn't waste so much of my own time drawing up game plans that are doomed to be abandoned after one series anyway.

"Training to be a [football coach] will not be a easy challenge.

And even if you succeed, it will be a hard life."
"But I wanna do it. It's what I've always DREAMED of."

I'll be honest, I've had a lot of thoughts of giving up lately. For one, I don't know what I'm doing, and for two, my efforts don't amount to ANYTHING. But when I'm not thinking about how frustrating things are, or when I'm not counting down the days until our last game, my thoughts drift (with no effort on my part) to contemplating the meaning of "character".

“Through the force, things you will see.
The future, the past, old friends long gone.”

And it's not just my thoughts, but its what I read in books, its what I hear in talks and its what I see in movies... and I’m not talking about books or talks or movies that are ABOUT character, but for some reason, that's the topic that surfaces for me in everything I see and think.

I've come to the conclusion that character is something everyone wants to have, but it's not something you can acquire just by wanting it. Character is the result of proven dependability and the consequence of determination. I’ve always imagined myself as someone having impeccable character, but when my heart is telling me that quitting the coaching thing wouldn't be so bad, I have to wonder if I really do have such great character.

"Use your aggressive feelings, boy. Let the hate flow through you."

There's this conflict inside me: the natural man wants to just come home from work and do nothing and enjoy the freedom of nothingness, the saint inside me wants to give my time and energy to those kids, and the tool inside me wants to have the freedom of doing nothing but also to enjoy the accolades of everyone around me knowing that I'm such a great guy because I give my time to a bunch of fourteen year old kids.

I do a pretty good job of shutting up the tool inside me (though I'll be honest, I can feel him raging to get out during Sunday school lessons and other situations when I could find some obscure way to tie my service hours into a lesson that has nothing to do with football and nothing to do with service). But my feelings still pull me toward quitting.

This is when character comes in.

"Bury your feelings deep down. They do you credit,
but they could be made to serve the [natural man]."

I'm starting to think that character is sticking to a commitment, even when you don't feel like it. Character is not being the guy who always volunteers for this service project and that, its sticking with something you said you'd do, even when you don't want to do it. And perhaps the only thing that can build character is a difficult situation, one like this where your mind and your feelings tell you to give up, but your soul and your conscious tell you you mustn't.

I think of my mission, or of my celibate bachelorhood, or those first tough college semesters as a freshman. They were all so trying that putting yourself through them feels almost masochistic and when you’re in the middle of them the thought keeps entering your mind that "no reward is worth this."

But somehow you make it through. Somehow your two year mission ends. Somehow you graduate college. Somehow you find your true love. And when that time comes, you always look back over the minefield you've just crossed, and despite all the danger and the wounds sustained, you can't help but look back with fondness and nostalgia for the adventure that it was.

Well, at least that's what I'm trying to tell myself right now. I remind myself that it's not wrong for me to wonder exactly how many days left before the season's over. After all, I wondered that on my mission all the time... I made it through my mission and I loved it.

I guess the best thing to do when you're experiencing the proving grounds of whatever minefield you're going through at the moment is to find something to be grateful for, so I'm going to say that I'm grateful for insight enough to see this trial for what it is.

"Don't give up, boy. Don't you quit. You keep walking. You keep trying.
There is help and happiness ahead--a lot of it... You keep your chin up. It will be all right in the end. Trust God and believe in good things to come."

The truth is, I really AM having fun with football. I KNOW it's going to be the kind of thing I look back on and sort of feel a homesickness for once its all over. But I can see at least one more similarity to my mission, once this whole thing is over, I wont' be in ANY HURRY AT ALL to go back and do it again.