Complications and Conclusions

“Would you like to go get some pie… or noodles?”
“Is that your idea of a date: pie and noodles?”

It’s not easy being a guy. Asking girls out is NOT an easy thing to do. If you really like the girl you get so nervous that you’ll make a fool of yourself that its hard to relax and be yourself. If you don’t really like the girl it’s hard to be energetic and act like yourself. But what makes it all worth it are those rare times when things just work and you find yourself on a date with a beautiful woman, enjoying her enjoying you.

Well, after coordinating our busy schedules I finally got a chance to take out Marianne. We met for lunch on a Thursday in Salt Lake at this Scandinavian kaffe haus that I’ve wanted to go to for a long time. To be honest, the date was a little stuffy at first—not boring, just very formal. And for me, romantic formality is a very uncomfortable thing.

“You seem a little on edge…

I haven't felt you this tense since we fell into that nest of gundarks…

You're sweating. Relax. Take a deep breath.”

But everything was fine once we got out of our chairs and looked around at the European gifts and candies. I grossed her out with some disgusting salt-licorice and she teased me about how good I’d look in Swedish gym socks. By the end of the date, things felt very relaxed, we both seemed ourselves. It took us a long time to say goodbye because the conversation just kept coming. And just as we were leaving she said she’d really like to hear from me again. So despite the butterflies I was feeling before the date, by the end of it things felt relaxed, like it was just me enjoying her and her enjoying me.

Since then, I’ve been out of town, she’s been out of town, and we just haven’t had a chance to get together again, but I saw her at church Sunday and again she said she’d like like to “get together again some time.”

“Anakin, Anakin, do you copy? This is Obi-Wan Kenobi. Anakin?

He's not on Naboo, Arfour. I'm going to try and widen the range…

I do hope nothing's happened to him.”

Throughout all this she’s been insanely difficult to get a hold of on the phone. She’s lives downtown but work keeps her in Layton, Logan, or Wyoming most of the time. I’m never surprised when I call and all I get is her voicemail. But other than that first time I called, she’s never returned my call in less than three days and that drives me crazy. The first time it happened was after we’d spoke while she was in Wyoming—I started to wonder if I’d kept her up too late on the phone and if she’d fallen a sleep at the wheel on her drive back—maybe she wasn't calling me back because I had killed her.

Everyone’s got cell phones these days, so everyone’s got caller ID to show them who’s calling before they answer the phone. When I call and get just voicemail, part of me worries that she sees that it's me calling and choses to ignore it, but I always give her the benefit of the doubt that she just couldn’t answer then—maybe she was at a movie, or in class, and maybe she got home too late to call.

“Either I’m gonna kill her, or I’m beginning to like her!”

So I figure that if that’s the case, then she’ll get a chance to call back within a day, because even if she WAS too busy or out too late, within the next 24 hours she’ll have the chance for a free minute or two, right? But when 24 hours comes and goes, I start to worry. After 48 hours I start to steam. And after 3 days I start to lose hope. Not that not hearing from a girl is that big of a deal, but for some reason, when it's a girl that you're sincerely interested in the dramatic impact of every event seems to mutiply exponetially.

“Life seems so much simpler when you're fixing things.

I'm good at fixing things... always was.”

I’ve come up with a couple of activities to distract myself from feeling like I was just waiting next to the phone for her call. Sometimes I just go about my usual xboxing, movie watching, or reading, but I turn the phone off or hide it from myself so I’m not constantly checking for missed calls. On Saturday my distraction was to leave the phone in the house while I was outside fixing a radiator problem on my car. That’s when she finally called back.

“I was beginning to wonder if you had GOTTEN my message.”

I noticed the message about 20 mintues after she’d left it, and I don’t know if it was because of all the time that had passed, or if it was the lack of apology in her voice, but despite her invitation to call (in her message she asked that I call soon because she'd be heading to her parents' house for the evening and she'd only be available until she left), I was in NO mood to make a quick reply.

So, I finished working on the car, went for a jog, took a shower, and conquered the droid armies of the Trade Federation (Xbox). Then, at around 5 o’clock I called her back. It was no surprise to see that she didn’t answer her phone. I left a message, but never heard back from her. We bumped into each other at church the next day, but only for a minute or two. Upon departing she said, “well hey, we should get together again sometime.” I felt kind of releived--oh, she wasn't avoiding me afterall--but I didn’t want to seem too eager, so I waited until Tuesday to call. It’s now Friday—still no reply.

“If we can just avoid any more FEMALE advice,

we ought to be able to get out of here.”

And that’s where my frustration lies: she always sounds so eager for us to get together, but when I call, it takes her FOREVER to get back to me--yet she always DOES get back to me. It just seems like such a contradiction to say you’re so interested yet act like its no priority.

“No reward is worth this!”

As exciting as being interested in someone is, my relationship with Marianne clearly isn’t as synergetic as a romance ought to be. I’ve got friends who are always telling me that relationships take a lot of work. And I believe that’s true… “from a certain point of view.” I completely believe that relationships are worth working for, but what I have with Marianne is NOT a relationship. The only time relationships are worth working at is when you’re already in one.

“Marty, it’s impossible.

The idea that I could fall in love at first sight?

It’s romantic nonsense. There’s no scientific rationale to that.”
“C’mon, Doc, it’s not science. You meet the right girl,

and it just hits ya—it’s like lightning.”

So how do you get into a relationship that’s worth working at? Quien Sabe! It just happens. In my experience, the relationships that work are the ones that just take off on their own, and the ones that require the most effort to get going are the ones that fizzle out “before you can say ‘Bob’s your uncle’.”

“Sometimes there are things NO ONE can fix.

You’re not all-powerful, Annie.”
“Well, I should be!”

I think that sometimes people (including myself) think that the opposite sex is just too conservative or reserved to make obvious efforts toward hooking up, and they (we) take it upon themselves (ourselves) to do EVERYTHING to make a relationship work (including all the worrying), but the truth is that girls want to end up with a guy as badly as guys want to end up with a girl and when things work, its because both parties want it to. No amount of effort or power can make someone fall in love with you.

“Well, now, I bring all sorts of plusses to the table:
I hardly ever bluff and I never ever cheat.”

So, when you get to a point like where I’m at with Marianne, you have to trust that you’ve played your cards the best you could, and if she doesn’t “see your five and raise you ten” then there’s nothing you can do but fold. Sure, you could assume she's bluffing (playing hard to get) and go “all in,” but honestly, the only time anyone ever does that is when their chips are down to the point that going all in isn’t really that much of a sacrifice.

I’ve had no signs that what I’ve been dealt with Marianne will turn out to be a winning hand, and I’ve got WAY too strong a sense of self-worth to ever considering taking the desparate approach, or going “all in.” So, I fold—I’m just going to save my chips for another hand (another girl), one who will make the game worth playing, instead of just playing games.

“You got to know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em,

Know when to walk away and know when to run.”