“You’re gonna love it in an instant”

“There’s only two things in this life I hate: heights, and jumping from them.”

The two things in life that I hate are being hungry and having (or worse, smelling other people’s) bad breath. There is one remedy to both and it’s called breakfast.

“What’s going on up there, Lieutenant?”
“Ah, they’re drinkin’ Drain-o.”

First of all: the breath. Have you ever noticed how bad your breath smells when you don’t eat breakfast? If you haven’t, or if you’re convinced that it doesn’t, just stop by an LDS chapel on fast Sunday. It doesn’t matter how hard you brush, or how many gallons of mouthwash you swish—you’re breath is gonna stink. Eating breakfast in the morning works just like pouring drain-o down a clogged sink: all the rotting impurities get stripped and washed down the pipes along with it, leaving your sink (and your mouth) fresh and sanitized.

“I think parfait must be the most delicious thing on the whole d@mn planet.”

Secondly: the hunger. Breakfast foods have always been my favorite form of nourishment. My Grandma Bryant tells me of a story when I was little, she and my grandpa took my sister and I out for dinner to Grandma’s favorite French bistro. Siri and I were in California visiting Grandma and Grandpa for a week, and at lunch that afternoon, Grandma had been lecturing me on the importance of eating one’s bread crust.

In hopes of avoiding a similar conflict at the restaurant, Grandma prepped us for the restaurant by explaining that this was a FRENCH restaurant and that some of the food there might be a little different because it was “French.” I’ve always been a very cultured young man, so when we got to the café and the French lady came to take our order, I didn’t even need to look at the menu. When she asked what I wanted I simply and confidently replied, “French toast.”

“Who be you to order me about and call ME girly?!”

When we roomed together, D$ would always give me a hard time about how long I took to get ready in the morning. He’s the type that will stay up a little longer at night, just to take the time to calculate exactly how long it will take him to travel to his first morning commitment, add one minute to it, then subtract the total amount from the time he needed to be there and set his alarm clock accordingly. He’d always tease me that I spent all my morning time in front of the mirror and recommended that I make better use of that time by sleeping in. (Don’t ask how he knew what I was doing at 7 am, being that he’d never wake up til noon).

“I took a shower washing every body part with actual soap, including all my major crevices, including in between my toes and in my belly button, which I never did before but sort of enjoyed. I washed my hair with adult formula shampoo, and used Cream-Wave for that ‘just-washed shine’. I can’t seem to find my toothbrush so I’ll pick one up when I go out today. Other than that, I’m in good shape.”

I’m not denying that I take a minute or two to shave and comb my hair each morning (“we all do!”), but the true reason I’d wake up early was to eat myself some breakfast. Some people have to have their hot cup of coffee to get their morning kick started, and my kick start is breakfast. It doesn’t need to be any breakfast food in particular: cereal, oatmeal, pastry—whatever.

“Noon? I do my killin' before breakfast—seven o'clock!”

I prefer to do a lot of things before breakfast and I’ve played around with several different wake-up routines trying to maximize my productivity and minimize my time spent. And after all the thought I’ve put into it, my conclusion is that Dustin was right all along—the morning hours are just too valuable to waist on superfluous activities (of coarse, my definition of superfluous activities is quite different than Glaige’s). So, I’ve decided to go with the Carnation instant breakfast drink.

“Eight o’clock. I do my killing after breakfast.”

So now, I can do everything I like to in the morning, then just before I leave for work, I mix 1/3 cup of powder with 1 cup of milk. Add a banana and oujalá: you’ve got yourself a quick and easy, delicious and nutritious breakfast that not only fills you up, but does so without having to preheat the oven or load the dishwasher.

“Gentlemen, we do not stop till nightfall.”
“What about breakfast?!”
“You've already had it.”
“We've had one, yes. What about second breakfast?”
“I don't think he knows about second breakfast, Pip.”

Even though it does fill me up, that filling only lasts until about 10 am, and I don’t take my lunch until 1 pm, so it doesn’t quite last me the whole morning through. But I don’t blame that on the instantaneousness of the breakfast—even a huge stack of grampa hotcakes doesn’t get me much past 10 am. What I really need is a second breakfast—something to tide me over til lunch. It wouldn’t be that hard; I could just keep some carnation mix in my desk and some milk in the break room fridge—but I choose not to. I figure it’s probably better to starve, after all, all I do is sit at my desk—so, it’s not like I’m burning my off breakfast—I’m just digesting it. Having more would only throw off my caloric balance.

“How long do you think that lasts? …You are not being careful, and you are missing it.”

Sure, slamming an instant breakfast may strip some of the joy of eating out of my morning routine, but those morning hours are so very precious. Besides, there are other hours of the day for enjoying food.

“Hey, is it too early for breakfast?”

“Yes.”

“Oh, good—suppertime!”