Dealing with the pressure

They say that beans are the magical fruit, but the older I get, the more apparent it is that every food has the ability to cast that same spell upon me.

“What an incredible smell you’ve discovered.”

Perhaps one of the rites of passage into manhood is for your bowels to undergo an internal armageddon. I’d always expected that change to have something to do with fatherhood because most of my experience with adult flatuation has been second hand, while in the presence of my dad or my friends’. But as I cross the threshold of my mid 20s, I’m beginning to believe that age is to blame, not procreation.

I won’t admit that father hood doesn’t play a key role in it—I think it does: once you’re married and start having kids, you stop worrying about social proprieties and you just “let yourself go” in certain areas.

But I am not a father, and I DO have some social dignity left, so as I may be hopeless to stop the changes I’m experiencing in adulthood, I don’t have to remain defenseless against them. I will not surrender to the pressures within.

“Why for 53 years, I’ve put up with this now. I must find some way to keep [all this] from [churning], but how?”

Well, where would the human race be if we didn’t adapt to our situations? If we didn’t notice that our armpits stunk and started using deodorant, the perpetuation of the race might have ceased. In the same heroic pioneering spirit that our deodorizing forefathers possessed, I’ve decided to try an experiement…

“You okay, Robin?”
“I sure am, Batman—thanks to that anti-penguin-gas pill!”

Products like Gas-X and Beano have been on the market for years, and for just as long they have provided great comedic material for adolescent boys in their efforts to tease sisters and friends who accidentally cut the cheese. But until now I never realized that they could possibly serve an alternate purpose. Instead of just teasing others about their need for such “anti-gas” pills, what if I actually used them for myself?

“Uh golly, Lois, what are you doing?”
“When was the last time you heard me [rip one], huh? Well, you’re never gonna hear me [rip one] again.”
“No?”
“Nope, I read this book and it says that if you get a thousand milligrams of Vitamin C every day, you stay in perfect health.”
“Golly, a thousand? That’s certainly a lot of oranges though, isn’t it Lois? There are pills you know? I’ve seen them.”

I think the pills were developed to alleviate bloating and other legitimate gastro-intestinal problems, not just your common, garden variety case of gas. But would it be possible to take these tablets regularly and by so doing omit every form of methane emissions from my daily life?

“How can we stand on the brink of discovery and not act?”

Think of it, gas isn’t such a bad thing that you HAVE to live without it, but if modern technology provides the opportunity, why would you not? Well, I asked that very question of my trusty compadres Dustin and Ty.

“Pills?! That’s the modern way to do things. THIS is natural. Besides, I get my exercise that way.”

They seemed quite opposed to it. “Dude, why would you want to do that? I love to fart.” “Yeah, dude. Not farting isn’t natural.”

My response, “Yeah? Well, putting deodorant on your armpits isn’t natural either, but I sure wish more people would do it.”

I’ll be the first to admit that my own flatulence (and other people’s reflex response to it) has provided me with years of side-splitting laughter, but is the entertainment value of it truly enjoyable enough to outweigh the convenience of possibly never having it hit me at an inopportune time again? I’m sure it’s the kind of question each man who has ever contemplated getting a hysterectomy has seriously considered. The beauty of taking a pill to quell the gas is that it’s not permanent. If I know I’m going to go camping with the guys or anything else where one is encouraged to perform, I just skip the pill that day and, poof, I’m right back on my game.

“The world is changing so fast, and we're all running to catch up.”

The irony of life is that the older you get, the more gas you’ve got and the less often you can find a convenient moment to let it loose. The remedy to this irony can be found in a little green pill. Technology is an amazingly wonderful thing, those who embrace it will flourish, while those who ignore it will be outcast from society like the lepers of old. Consider yourself warned, “if you don’t adapt, you die.”