A spooky October

Now, I’m throwning in a disclaimer before I start. What I’m about to write is not bragging, it’s sulking. I’d love to be able to say that there are all these girls who just can’t keep their hands off of me… but if that were true, I wouldn’t have anything to write about. The fact of the matter is that the only attention I receive is unwanted attention, therefore I don’t even classify these attention givers as “girls” because a “girl” is what I want. No, these attention givers can only be classified as “females”.

“Now he likes ‘em little, he likes ‘em big.
Part in the middle or a wig.
Black or white or even red,
The Headless Horseman needs a head.”

And in further support of my argument that I’m not bragging, I don’t think I’m all that impressive. Don’t get me wrong, I think I’m awesome, but in my experience awesomnicity isn’t exactly the sort of things that girls go for. But females on the other hand, they seem to be attracted to anything with a pulse. And rightly so, I mean, if a girl is so uninteresting that her only defining characteristic is her gender, then chances are that she’s got very low expectations for what impresses her romantically. Therefore, it can be assumed that all “females” need to feel attracted is to have encountered a “male”. They don’t really care what kind of male. Just as long as it’s a person with a ‘y’ chromosome, a “female” is prepared for commitment.

“Ah, Ichy. You sly old dog, you.
What is this strange power you have over women?”

Okay, now here’s the part where you’ll really think I’m bragging, but I’m not: in the past three weeks I’ve had more than a few girls give me both unwanted attention AND the creeps. From church, from work, a sister of one of my football players… and it’s not just them trying to be friendly, but some of these girls are so bold as to ask me out.

“T-Rex doesn’t want to be fed, he wants to hunt.”

What ever happened to the traditional days of the social roles where guys do the asking? If I was interested in going out with any of these girls, I’d ask her out! Do these girls understand what they’re doing? Not only are they ruining my life (because I have to either start avoiding them, lying to them, or—even ruder—telling them the honest truth that I find them both unattractive and boring).

And they’re also ruining their own lives. A guy’s interest in a girl will never fully develop unless he’s allowed to man up to the daunting task of asking her out. It’s like a baby chick: if you help it break out of its shell, you think you’re helping, but you’re really weakening it. Now, I’m not saying that girls should just sit on their tuffets and wait for guys to notice them. No, girls are free to break the ice when they want, make conversation, develop a friendship, but the asking out part is the guy’s job.

And besides that, if you excuse a man from the responsibilities of working up the nerve to ask you out, what other traditional responsibilities will he then assume he won’t have to live up to? Chivalry? Commitment? Breadwinning? Protecting? But ladies, if you don’t mind marrying a worm, by all means, ask that guy out.

As for me, when I’m faced with such a disregard for propriety, I tend to avoid the issue. I choose my words carefully: I never lie, but I never commit to anything either. Sure, its not the nicest thing to do, but I figure that when someone is treating you with disrespect you are allowed to return the favor in equal or lesser portions. And even though I’m becoming quite skilled in this area, my expertise isn’t satisfying. With each encounter of this kind I feel increasingly frustrated.

“Now, I didn’t stop for a second look,
But made for the bridge that spans the brook.
For once you cross that bridge my friends
The ghost is through, his power ends.”

Why is it that I look around and all I see are scaries? Where are all the normal girls? I’ll tell you where, they’re all pre-occupied with trying to avoid the scaries who are chasing them, and that makes it very hard for us normal people to have time to notice each other. Life has a tendancy to mock me in that way: I see girls I find attractive, and I occasionally meet them, but I never really have a chance to get much further than that, because those encounters are so few and far between, and the rest of my life seems to be occupied with unwanted encounters.

“There’s things with horns and saucer eyes,
And some with fangs about ‘this’ size.
Some are fat and some are thin,
And some don’t even where their skin!”

Again, if you think I’m bragging here, why don’t you offer to buy me lunch and while we’re eating I’ll tell you the tales of Fat Steph, Alaska, The Red Barron, Hometeaching Girl, Football Sister, The Sundayschool Teacher, Fast Talker, The Celery Girl, Christian (that’s right… a dude), Re-Re, and Jill.

“You must go to the Sanctuary Moon and wait for him.”

“He will come to me?”

“I have foreseen it.”

I don’t know why people are willing to try so hard anyway. And I’ll include myself here too, because there have been times when I’ve perused a girl for longer than perhaps I should have. If a relationship takes work before its even begun, then it can’t be much of a relationship. I do think relationships require work, but only after it’s proven to be deep enough to be worth working for.

I believe the first stages of relationships should be synergetic and relatively effortless. But for some reason, people are willing to go through h@ll to fall in love. But if the falling in love part is h@ll, then I’m not sure what people hope to find later. I say, everyone should just have fun being a loner, and if they ever accendentally find someone with whom things turn romantic, then go with it, but until then, we all just need to relax.

“Even Frankenstein got married.

Obviously married people are not superior people.”