Too Much of a Good Thing

They say that sometimes bad things can happen to good people. Well I guess sometimes it can happen more than once: I crapped my pants again yesterday, it must have been the third time this year (and the year’s not even three-quarters of the way over yet—yikes!).

Looking at this post's title, you must be thinking, “Okay, so I understand the ‘too much’ part, but if you consider that a ‘good thing,’… you’ve got some explaining to do.” The ‘good thing’ refers to the 30 plus servings of Fruit Leather I’ve eaten in the past 4 days.

Now that I’m out of school and into a desk job, I’m finding myself more hungry and less active than ever. The problem is that now I’m not getting the exercise of the 3-5 miles per day trudging back and forth from campus, coupled with an income that allows me to buy, and subsequently, eat what ever I get a hankering for. I expect the result to be me sporting a ten-gallon gut, just like everone else who’s been working at my office since they graduated from college.

Thus begins my quest to find nutritious snacks that will satisfy the occasional case of the munchies yet not throw my caloric intake/spend ratio way out of balance.

"I've heard this bedtime story before."

"Eternal life, Dr. Jones. The gift of youth to whoever drinks from the grail.

Now, that's a bedtime story I'd like to wake up to."
"An old man's dream.”
"Every man's dream. Including your fathers, I believe.”

My dad is really into this kind of thing—he’s a snacker, but a health-conscious one. I’ve seen him go with rice cakes, granola bars, yogurt—most anything that’s good for you (or at least not bad for you) and good tasting, he’s tried it. I’m looking for the same kind of thing: something with flavor that does no—to little nutritional damage.

My most recent discovery in this crusade has been Stretch Island Fruit Leather from Costco. Its sort of like fruit roll-ups, but thicker and no-sugar added. Its really just dehydrated fruit mashed into a book-marker-sized snack. It comes in an assortment of colors and flavors, but they all pretty much taste the same.

Still, I like the flavor and they have no fat, no cholesterol, no sodium, and only 12 carbs. Now, I’m not much of a Nutrition Facts reader, so I don’t really know what any of what I just said means, but I mention it just to impress anyone reading who does understand it.

“The best thing about visiting the President is the food! Now, since it was all free, and I wasn't hungry but thirsty, I must've drank me fifteen Dr. Peppers.”

Fruit Leather is delectable. I love it as much as I loved fruit roll-ups as a kid, and--with no worries about its effect on my sitiology--I binge to my heart’s delight.

“Well, ya can’t please everybody.”

Whereas my heart was delighted, my stomach was not. I’d always heard that too much fruit can throw your insides outta whack, so I’ve never been foolish enough to sit down and eat a hole bunch of grapes, a hole bushel of apples, or a whole flat of strawberries, but I never put two and two together that eating a slew of Fruit Leathers would have the same effect.

If fruit is nature’s dessert, then my gastric intestinal track must be nature’s after-dinner entertainment. My stomach was twistin’ and turnin’ all afternoon. I figured it was just gas—being a young man my age, you get that from time to time--but it only got worse as the evening came. I had plans to see a movie with friends, but decided that even if it was as harmless as gas, in the quantities I was experiencing I was in no condition to go out into public. So I stayed home and watched movies—my insides romping around as violently as Ray Balls’ engine did the time we drove to Moses Lake and back without a drop of oil in the motor.

“I'm so rumbly in my tumbly…Oh, I wouldn't climb this tree if a Pooh flew like a bee…"

Well, last night it flew faster than a bee. It flew so fast that, not only did I not get to climb any trees, but it postponed every other activity as well. One second you think you’ve got nothing but innocent flatulence; the next minute you’re reading the back label of your laundry detergent researching how to properly pre-treat stains.

One thing I’m grateful for is that even though I’m way too old to be crapping my pants, at least I’m not to old to get a good laugh out of it. As I stripped down for my impromptu shower last night, I just laughed and laughed at myself.

“All children, except one, grow up.”